Chasing Cars
by natzbadfairy
Summary: Meredith becomes broken when one of the most important people in her life dies. derek knows how to handle one Meredith but not the one that is created when this happens. Rated for subject matter. Please read and review :P
1. Chapter 1

-1**Hey. This is a sad story. I'm warning that you that this has a major character death. Will be at least two chapters long, so please do review and tell me what you think. (Meredith's POV)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, no Greys, No Patrick, no nothing. No chasing cars sadly. I AM IN TOTAL SUPPORT OF THE WRITERS IN AMERICA!!! Please enjoy and don't kill me. **

I'm lying on the bathroom floor, a place she had found herself only two days ago. Now she's dead. Izzie is Dead…the one person who was able to make me smile when everyone else couldn't. Now she's dead and all I have is the thought that she's with Denny. The ceiling. Something I've never really taken much time to think about. When I do I think of my mothers blood from where Thatcher hit her, the blood splattering on the ceiling. It's something I never thought about until now. Two people's lives fell apart in this bathroom. My Mothers and Izzie's. My mother had to get on with it…plus she had Richard, helping her through the rough times. Izzie…she had no one. The one man she loved was dead. And now so was she. Her body must have been in the water for hours. I left for work and she was just getting in. Alex still hasn't spoken since he found her. Three cuts on each arm. that's all it took for her life to end. Alex won't be the same. I can tell from the look in his eyes that he's dead like her. He's breathing but he's dead. Dead like Izzie…Izzie's really dead.

I wonder if she was in pain. The endorphins in her body would have stopped the pain from her arms but in her head…I wonder if she felt half as bad as I do. Or if I feel half as bad as she did. Somehow I doubt I feel anything. I know if I think about the fact she'll never make anymore cupcakes. That I'll never come home from the hospital to find world war three took place between Izzie and a bag of flour. She'll never do that again…but I just can't imagine it.

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world? 

I'm expecting someone to check on me. I've been in here for what feels like days. I know it's been hours but inside me it's been days. I wish I had listened when I lifted her off the floor. I didn't. I just lay next to her thinking that she would just get over Denny's death. Yeah she had quit but I never thought she would…that she would give up the fight. Izzie had fought for Denny and I hoped she would keep fighting for herself but it was too much.

Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough 

Derek hasn't said two words to me. I know he's sitting on the floor outside, waiting for me to start sobbing uncontrollably. Then he can do what he knows how. Hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. It won't be ok. Nothing will ever be the same. He doesn't know what to say to me or how to deal with the silent but broken me. I usually scream or shout at him. But I've said nothing, only with Izzie in my head. She's telling me it was for the best but I know it wasn't. she wanted to be with Denny and none of us could understand it and now…now we've all lost one of the most precious things we ever had. A true friend.

The door opens and closes. I don't look, knowing from the smell of them that it's Derek. He lies next to me, not saying anything. In a way I'm glad of the silence…but I want to hear Izzie; laughing, dancing, joking with George. But there's nothing but silence. He's listening to my breathing, checking that I won't start to hyperventilate. He knows how to handle that. Give me a hand to hold and a paper bag and I'm fine. Being cold and silent, that's something he doesn't know how to cope with. I want to talk but I have nothing to say. My friend killed herself in my bath. that's it. That's all I can say and he knows it. He told me. He came and got me. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to loose Izzie. She was the one keeping most of us sane but now…now everyone is trying to breath. I hitch a breath, Derek looking at me with a sense of fright.

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel 

I close my eyes, the tears slipping down my already red face. He doesn't wipe them away, he doesn't try and tell me to stop crying. He takes my hand. Pure and simply takes my hand. I latch onto him like there is nothing else in the world that I want. At this point in time there's nothing else I want expect to know that he's here.

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

'Bed' I nod once and stand to my feet but he lifts me up, carrying me into a cold bed. I stay curled up, like a foetus trying to hide from the world. He turns to leave, go to the kitchen. I grab his arm and let my hand slip down into his. He climbs in behind me in the bed and I finally start to let go. He's lying next to me and I can feel his body physically move with mine as I tremble and shake. The sobs are loud but I can't care anymore what other people think or need. I need him here and he is. He's holding onto me tightly, like he never wants to let me go in case I break into a thousand pieces. I fear…if he does…that I will.

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?


	2. Those three words

-1**Thank you so much for reviewing it made my day! Please enjoy the next instalment. I have no idea how long I'm going to make this…depends on how many reviews that I get (hint hint) lol thank you and please enjoy. **

I'm standing, dressed head to toe in black and waiting for George to tell me that the car is outside. Derek's been great, I've been gone somewhere…somewhere I've never been before. It's an empty room, there's no noise and everyone is standing staring at me, expecting me to save the day, make everything better and bring Izzie back. I try, I come home and I find her but she just won't breath. Just like reality she won't breath…

Looking in the mirror I realise that I'm not the woman I thought I was. I'm a shadow of her, broken and silent. I don't think I've had a conversation with anyone since I cried with Derek. Apart from then, I haven't cried. He's been there, here. I don't think I've even heard the phone ring. All I can hear when I do leave my bedroom is Izzie's mom crying all the time, uncontrollably. She never stops. She falls asleep crying and wakes up crying.

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

George is shouting on me and I try to move my body but I can't. I'm tired. Tired of feeling this way, like part of me is missing. I never thought that someone would have that kind of effect on me but I realise now more than ever that everyone I know has that effect on me. Derek, George, Alex, Christina even Bailey and the Chief. They all have some effect on me that I never thought I would have. My mother, I detached myself from when she took the Alzheimer's. I knew if I cared too much I would be broken all of the time. I wouldn't be able to stand on my own two feet. Like the way I am now.

Derek's standing at the door, holding his hand out to me and I take it. That's when I realise how cold I am. Also how thin I am. I haven't eaten anything in what must be four, five days. I know people have made food and that I've sat at a table but I've not eaten anything. I can't. I feel sick to my stomach. The thought that I was the last one to see her alive, that I was the last one that could have convinced her to keep going. But I said nothing, I did nothing for her except got her off of the bathroom floor.

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel

There are people from the hospital there, people I have never even spoke to. I stand up and sit down when I'm told to. Nothing is in me, nothing alive. Everyone is dressed in black, not one piece of colour except for the yellow roses on her coffin. That's it. She's inside that. People are going to carry her to a hole in the ground outside. She's going to be in the ground.

Alex, Derek, Burke and Mark carry her out. George broke down into sobs at the end, Derek taking his place. He knows that I'm not going to break, not here with people watching me. I stand at the back of the crowd of people, not shedding one tear for her. Everyone else is cry but me. Even Christina. But I can't cry. I'm usually the wreck but now, I can't even shed one tear. It's like I'm heartless, or that the heart I do have is made of stone. It feels that way.

It's over in a few hours, the funeral, the wake, everyone's left the house. I'm instantly cleaning, something I haven't done since Izzie moved in. that's when I realise that I have no idea where she put the vacuum cleaner. She always did it, even when you say you'd done it she would go over it. I have no idea where anything is. No bleach. Nothing. I look around the kitchen, thinking about all of the cupboards that she might have put them in. But I just can't figure it out. Now I'm on my hands and knees, pulling cupboards apart looking for stuff. Derek's taken hold of my hands and is pulling me to my feet. He's holding me, like I might fall apart. And I will. Eventually.

The eventually doesn't come. I wait. I'm standing in his arms and I wait for the eventually to come but it never does. I'm still waiting now. He's helping me get changed, out of my never used funeral clothes. When he pulls his shirt over my head, I listen. There's silence. Nothing but silence. I walk away from him and stand in the hall, simply thinking that I cant hear her mother. I walked towards Izzie's supposed to be empty room and find her curled up on her daughter's bed, smelling her clothes. I pull the jumper that she's inhaling away from her. She's screaming at me, 'a heartless bitch'. Maybe I am. I feel like it. Before I know it she's sobbing again, on her knee's holding onto my waist. I stand, not touching her or feeling the tears that are running down my bare legs from her eyes. Alex comes to the door, her sobs waking everyone up, even George is there. He lifts her off me, not having any interaction with her other that lifting her. I turn away and say nothing cause like she said, I'm a heartless bitch and we heartless bitches feel nothing.

Those three words 


	3. If i lay here

-1**Hope you enjoy. All feedback is appreciated )**

Life must go on. The number of people who have said that to me is incredible. The amount of people I've spoken to is non existent. I've still not spoken. I feel like I never will, like I have been condemned to a life of silence. Derek's really worrying about me now. I've not said anything, asked for nothing. He's been trying to get me to talk but I can't. all that runs though my head when he's talking to me is I could have saved her. I could have said something, anything to stop her.

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Standing at the nurses station, after emptying her locker is like standing naked in front of your entire school. Everyone staring in shock, that your not crying or on the floor screaming why. I can't. not yet. George takes the bag off of me and walks away with a look of disappointment in his eyes. Like I should have tried harder, or been that little bit more upset for Izzie. He doesn't know what it's like, not being able to cry for her. He never will. Every time he closes his eyes she's there for him. Alex is the same. Me, when I close my eyes all I can see is darkness and I'm standing in the middle of it with no one to help me or get me out of it. There is no way out.

Derek's become so much more aware of what I'm doing, what I'm eating in particular. I've still not had a solid meal in about a month. He knows I can't. he doesn't know why I can't but he knows that I just can't. the volume of coffee I've drank I must have a hole in my stomach but I just can't care anymore. I just can't care.

Her moms leaving and I'm standing at the back of the crowd once again seeing her off. She seems happier that she knows we won't forget her but sad that she had to bury her own daughter. But for someone who just buried her own daughter she is happy. One photograph is all of the stuff that she wants. No jumpers, nothing. She's not spoken to me since last week and I wouldn't expect her to. If I won't talk, why should anyone else talk to me.

The chief is handing me a slip of paper, legally giving me a month of leave. I won't talk to patients and I don't want to. Talking means things with come out of my mouth that I know I will regret. Thoughts that I shouldn't be the one to feel guilty. I didn't kill her yet I feel like I could have stopped it.

People watch me, all the time. I feel it even when I'm at the store. Alex watches me, Derek watches me, even Christina has started watching me. All because I won't talk, I won't let anyone in to see that I am done. I'm finished feeling like I failed.

'Talk to me,'

Those three words  
Are said too much

And say what? That's all people say now. Three weeks after she's died and people want me to talk.

'You want me to talk? Ok, one of my closest friends slit her wrists in my house and killed herself. I could have stopped her. I was the last one to see her alive. I did nothing. I left her on her own and look what happened. Now she's buried in a box six foot under the ground and I'm never going to see her again. Is that enough talking for you?' I slam my coffee mug own onto the table and walk out the house, leaving everyone behind stunned at what I had just said and how I had said it. Alex glares at me as I leave, everyone else having the same old sympathetic eyes but now they realise that I'm broken and can't magically fix myself like I usually do.

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel

The ferryboats are still in the water and I can just imagine jumping into the water and not coming back up. I could, if I wanted to I really could. I could just stop breathing. But then I remember Derek and way he's been with me. He's been there even when i didn't want him to be but he knew that was what was best for me. He'll be there when I do finally start to talk. I know I'll need to go back and face the music at some point. I remember the night we had in the garden, me and Izzie. I walk over to the edge o the pier and lie down on the grass, the dampness soaking up through my clothes. I feel nothing of it, just smiling at the stars that have appeared over the hours that I've been here.

He lies next to me, like the night in the bathroom and holds my hand like he did before. He doesn't try to move me or try and make me talk. He knows I've done enough talking. I've said too much already, hurt too many people already. This is what spins in my head, all of the time and only now does he realise it.

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

They all stare, when I finally get off the ground and go home. Alex could kill me with the look in his eyes when he first see's me. But he changes, like a wave coming over him. His eyes become soft. I knew it would come eventually, the sympathetic eyes from him. I didn't expect the way I would feel when they did though.


	4. Would you lie with me

-1I never expected to feel this way when I went to the grave. I was expecting an over whelming feeling of sadness but instead I smile, smile at the Izzie I knew and still miss. Derek's watching me, checking my face and my expression. He wants to be there for me when I do cry and I know, in myself, that day will be soon. I've found my eyes welling up when I hear people talking about her. Two months and I still haven't broke down. I wonder if it's me, maybe I'm just not supposed to cry for her. Maybe I am the cold and heartless bitch that Thatcher and Ellis told me that I was.

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

The freshly laid roses by Alex are standing upright against the granite stone. Her name is engraved on the stone and it's a sight that I never wanted to see. I never wanted to see anyone of my friends names on a stone. The letters have been done in gold, the paint still looking brand new. In a way it is brand new but it feels like an eternity since I stood here and watched her being placed in the ground.

Talking is easier but I never mention her name. never. People ask me and I'll say something else, changing the subject. I talk more, ask for the things that I need. Derek's finding it easier, living with me. I know I was a nightmare, not even telling people what I wanted to eat.

Still I haven't eaten anything, I still feel sick. All the time. I know when I do cry, that will lift and I'll start to piece myself back together again. Eventually I will get over this. I know I will. I have to.

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel

Alex helps me now, after that day…it's like he finally could see what I was seeing and living. Am Living. Sometimes I wake up and I think I can hear her, laughing but then it hits me. Derek's been worried about me more at night than during the day. I was talking to Izzie in my sleep, or so he said. I can't remember any of it. Not one bit. I wish I could, even the smallest piece of it would give me some sort of comfort.

'You ready?' I look over my shoulder at Derek, Derek's hand outstretched to mine. I nod once, slipping my cold hand into his.

Driving in the car I can feel my body trembling. Then my face goes red, my eyes start to swell and the tears form and I know this is it, the moment I've been waiting for. Derek goes to change gear and I grab his hand, pulling it close against me. One look and he's pulling into the side of the road. I sit, breaking my heart crying on my own. He opens the passenger and pulls me out the car, not letting me go. He won't. not now. I can see her face in front of me, Smiling. With that I end up on my knee's, my head bowed. He's trying to pull me back to my feet but he can't. not only do I have no energy, he can't get a grasp on me. My body is shaking so much, when he does lift me, I collapse into a heap.

He panics when I start taking deep and heavy breaths. He can do nothing to relax me. This is it, this is the time where he stands back and just lets me cry, for as long as I need to. What he didn't expect was the fact I can't breathe. I'm trying to grab air into my lungs but I can't.

Are said too much  
They're not enough

'Mere…mere,' he lifts me back into the car and drives like a bat out of hell to the house. I'm still crying, still unable to get a breath into my system. Alex takes one look at me and disappears, bringing a paper bag back to the car. Even with the bag I'm still struggling to breath. Slowly but surely I relax enough to breath properly but I'm still crying. Most people would fight to stop but I'm savouring the feeling that every emotion that I've not said that I've had is now out in the open.

Three days later and I'm still crying at the drop of a hat. It's like everyone is walking on eggshells around me, careful of what they say and do in case it reminds me of Izzie. I wonder what will happen next. Now I'm crying…what will happen next. Will I become happy and move on with my life or will I go back to the way I was. I hope to god I don't because it was slowly killing me…me and Derek.

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel


	5. How i feel

-1'You ok?' I'm standing in the middle of an OR, a scalpel in my hand and everyone is looking at me. My eyes are watering and my hand is shaking.

'Someone page Shepherd,'

'Are you alright,'

'Just page him,' I stand back from the table and look around me. People are whispering, wondering if I am going to break down into a thousand pieces like I did only an hour before I was meant to be in surgery. I place the scalpel down and step back from the table.

'Dr Grey,'

'I have to go,' he tries to talk to me, stop me from leaving the OR but I just keep my eyes focused on the door and the fact I can barely get a breath in me. I scrub my hands furiously, the blood seeming to never disappear from my hands.

It's quiet down here, just silent. The tunnels were always quiet but there was usually someone down here, people hiding.

'Dr Grey?' I'm standing bolt upright, the chief coming down the stairs.

'Yes, sir,'

'My Office,' I follow a few minutes later, making sure that when I go in and get yelled at for walking out of a surgery that I don't start crying. I can't show that this is killing me inside. I thought that not being able to cry was bad but now, now I'm not so sure.

'I got a call from OR four saying that you had to have Dr Shepherd called in to finish your surgery. They said that you were on the brink of tears and shaking. Dr Grey…Meredith I cannot have my best neuro resident breaking down in the middle of surgeries. I need to know that if you are in a surgery that you can finish the job with no problem or reason to leave,' I stand up and look him straight in the eyes.

'I buried one of my closets friends three months ago. I'm sorry if that inconveniences you,'

'Meredith, I want to know that you are ok,'

'I'm not,'

Derek's watching me and I'm not even doing anything. I'm sitting on the edge my bed, staring straight in front of me.

'Chief wants you to go into therapy, couple of months,'

'Do you think I need it?;

'I don't know,' I look up at him but all I can see is fear. Fear is spilling out of his eyes, fear and pain.

'I can't fix you,'

'You shouldn't need to fix me,' I stand up and walk towards him but for some reason, everything turns black and he disappears.

i dont quite know

how to say

how i feel

**Ok, very short chapter but the next one is huge, I promise…This is when Meredith has, shall we say an experience and has to take a look at herself. Hope you all enjoy and please review.**


	6. all that i am

-1People talk of outer body experiences, patients that die say that they saw their dead dog or neighbour. Now Izzie is standing in front of me, her arms outstretched to me.

'Meredith, you need to eat something. You need to get back on your feet. Derek can't fix you and breaking down in surgery isn't an option. You should be strong,'

'Izzie, your dead. I buried you. I can't…I,'

'You miss me, I get it. And I'm flattered, really I am but you need to understand that life does go on,' The surrounding changes and we are sitting in Joes, Izzie having a bottle of Tequila in her hand and two shot glasses in front of us.

'I'm sorry I left you guys,'

'No your not. You couldn't be without Denny,'

'And? I should have moved on. Life goes on,' Izzie smiled and handed me the bottle.

'Are you and Denny…together?'

'It's something that once it happens Meredith, you can't run away from it,'

'Run away from what?'

'Me and Denny…were around each other and we are together but its not how I expected it to be. It's like were still with you guys,'

'Your telling me that your haunting me?'

'No, but we're not sad and depressed that we can't sit and have diner with you guys or go to Joes. We live in…a bubble,'

'Seriously? A Bubble? You killed yourself to live in a bubble,'

'It's not a bubble as such but…we don't need anyone else to be happy,'

'So your telling me that it's only you and Denny and you are both happy with the fact that you are both dead,'

'Yeah, because we're together,'

'So if Derek killed himself we would be together,'

'What makes you think that your dead?'

'Well, I'm talking to you…so I must be dead,'

'No, not yet. You have a lot more to do,'

'Izzie, I don't even know why I'm here,'

'You haven't eaten. Your barely sleeping. You're a doctor for god sake and you are slowly killing yourself. You need to get back on your feet, get your life back together. It's not fair that I…die and you stop living. You shouldn't be like this. This isn't the way I wanted things to be. Your supposed to be ok, not in pieces,'

'Izzie,'

'You need to start living again, even if I'm not. I chose not to. It's not your fault,' I feel my breath hitch. She's telling me it's not my fault…I didn't cause this.

'Meredith, I took things into my own hands. I believed that if I died then I would be with Denny and I am. This isn't your fault. You couldn't have stopped me. This was my choice and if I didn't do it when I did I would have done it some other time,' My heart has started beating ten times faster and she can tell that I'm getting upset.

'Meredith, start living again. I know it hurts but I need you to start living again. I can't be happy here if I know that your not happy, not being you,'

'Why are you telling me this now…it's been months,'

'Why do you think that you're here…your killing yourself and I refuse to let you end up depressed and killing yourself…Derek needs you back,'

Derek's rubbing the back of my hand, and I can hear machines beeping. The lights killing my eyes but I open them up, Derek smiling broadly at me.

'How you feeling?' I nod and smile.

'I feel good. What happened?'

'You hadn't eaten…not drank anything. You've been out for two days,' I try to sit up but my arms are weak and I feel like I could sleep. Derek lifts me up in the bed. He seems surprised when I touch his face, bringing his face closer to mine and kissing him.

'I'm sorry,'

'What for?' I kiss him again, loving the taste of him.

'Not living,'

If i lay here

if i just lay here

would you lie with me

**Ok, this is nearing the end (might not if you like it enough hint hint, reviews) Meredith has had her kick and this is her getting back on track. Please review ;)**


	7. Just forget the world

**Hey this is the final chapter in this story and i have to say, i loved writing this. the reviews were brilliant so thank you to all that did review. i have an idea for a sequal but i'm not sure if i will write it, depends if anyone wants it please review and let me know if you want me to write it up. Hope you enjoy**

When I got home, people talked to me more. We talked about Izzie, about her and what she was like. I know now that living in a shell wasn't what she wanted. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her back but she was happy, she has Denny.

And I have Derek. We talk more. The future seems more possible. We talk about building a house together, the land now never used with the trailer now gone. Neither of us want to waste it, waste what we have. I think he knows what happened, that I saw and spoke to Izzie. He understands me now.

Work is also better. I smile now. I talk to patients like I used to before. I get yelled at like I did before. Things won't ever be the same again, ever, but I do know that I have a life that I have to live and if that involves getting yelled at by Bailey, then so be it.

When I couldn't cry, I wasn't me, I was someone that I didn't recognise when I looked in the mirror. Crying was like I didn't have control over my own body and that frightened me. Then came the moment that I met Izzie. I met her thinking that I was dead when really I was living. I was the one who still had a heart beat and who still had the chance to something with her life.

I often wonder if I would be in the position I am now. This is something I never imagined, even before Izzie died. Having a family was a scary thought for me, a thought that would have sent me running. But looking at my daughter, Anna Isobel Shepherd, I realise that living was the best choice I could have made.

People look at me differently. I'm dark and twisty Meredith but they know that Dark and Twisty Meredith is also a person who feels things and doesn't bury what she does feel deep down for long.

Derek never expected Anna, I never expected Anna. When I heard, after the initial shock of being pregnant, I thought of Izzie, of what she had said to me. I had to live my life. But I still think of her. When I was pregnant, I did what I thought Izzie would have done. I went crazy with the paint, Alex helping me. He knew what I was doing. Everyone, including Derek thought it was just the crazy hormones and that Alex was just amusing me. But he knew. He knows.

Sometimes I find myself talking to Izzie, asking her for advice. The other day when I was with a patient, I couldn't show compassion, I couldn't show sympathy. Going into a linen closet and sitting on the floor for five minutes and talking to Izzie, it was like I managed to get myself together and show the family that I did have a heart.

I'm not crazy or mad for talking to her, I just want to remember her and keep her alive the way that I know how. I need to talk to her, I need to feel that she's never going to leave me and that she will always be beside my side.

People can't understand why I called my daughter after my dead friend. All I can say is that it is the biggest honour that I could have given her and I know, that no matter what she's doing, she's smiling because she's with Denny.

if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with me, and just forget the world.


End file.
